Current Mood: Sad & Sickly

**Do not criticise this blog as I have put a lot of effort in to make it one of the funniest blogs yet. Actually just criticse it because we are all losers and losers are we.

Today I am, tomorrow I am not. What day am I?

Screaaaammmmm, boom, boom, pow! As I kicked the alien’s butt – I mean the poltergeists’ transparent bag. I rendered it useless for a short insignificant period of time.

Let me back up a little….

It all started one beautiful afternoon and while I was posing for a golf photograph,  all of a sudden – a storm started raging behind me. I then ran for cover in a near-by magazine kiosk where the the sole proprietor was not present. I then tried to make an alarming escape to a near-by Greggs but I was stopped dead in my tracks by some sort of poltergeist. So I did what I usually do and scream like a sissy little girl. This attempt proved fatal and for some reason my legs came off and the poltergeist started swatting me with some sort of spatula.

I then came to an idea quick on my feet and I attacked it with the kick of death and then screamed rapidly at it with my shirt off. For those of you that know me very well, I have encountered the unknown before when I found Don Chailey under my bed. This attack proved relatively decent so I started stating Rutherford’s conclusion of spacing in an atom and the poltergeist was nearly vanquished.

I needed one more ingenious move to finish it off.  So I attached a piece of garlic on a necklace and wore it but this proved ineffective so I eat the garlic instead. I then turned on my ham radio and started playing Rod Steward and the ghost slowly disappeared and it took my trousers with it. So as I stood there feeling proud, wet, trouserless, smelling of garlic and a hoarse throat. I knew my job was complete so I turned a near-by corner and dissipated into the ground…..

Until next time.

Wait was this me……

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!

Current Mood: Confused & Playful

As you may have noticed there is now a quote of the day above me (Still can’t catch it as it’s too high up). Tell me what you think as I have spent making hours on that when I could have been outside pole vaulting.

Remember to take a minute and visit our sponsor:

After taking a good gander at our sponsor. Answer me this, do you like me after I come out the shower and my feathers are all wet? If the answer to this is yes then read on quickly and do not stop… just do not stop. Recently when I started sixth year, I realised I had a plentiful amount of free periods and that I had new shoes on which I think are absolutely delicious as I got them out of the outer space shop which my legendary fan Don Chailey recommended me to.

Well that is it for now, sorry for the short blog. Hopefully I will make a longer and better soon. As for now, Goodbye fellow Americans.

Current Mood: Bored & Esctatic

Recently I have released a zygote from one of many intestines. This one was rather minty but slightly on the chewy side which isn’t the best if you want your teeth to turn green. Due to my intense eating disorder, I have developed consecotaleophobia, this will not go down well with my salt cubes and especially not my dead cat syndrome.

Chemistry approaches and so far I have not found any tubs of coloring pens in which I can knock over but I did find a blow up doll which looks like Anthony Savage and when punched says “Oh no! You got me and that’s just one side of me!” in the voice of Susan Boyle. I was absolutely outraged at the final of Britians Got Talent on Saturday, I wanted two grand to win as I am in love with the old guy.

Inherently, I have some violent vulgar incessant diarrhea. The main reason why I posted this blog is because recently I feel that I am born to be alive and due to this fact: I think I am going to go dancing outside in my dinosaur outfit, horse shoes and bow tie swinging about my notorious pimp cane.

As you see, I am the main protagonist of this blog and not this so called “shrewd profiteer” that we have seen recently. He is my alter ego which looks like me, sounds like me and acts like me, the only difference is that he only has 3 intestines and 14 livers. On that matter, I had to sell one of my livers for collateral for my dead cats just incase anything happens to them.

Bonjour mates and having a cracking bonanza of a holiday.

My incredible financial journey started years ago in the animal industry. My expert field back then was the dead cat industry; you know, buying and selling dead cats, making a profit each time. My shrewd profiteering expertise was then exploited by ‘George’, who appointed me as CEO. My first action there was to enforce purchase of trousers too short for the buyer. This was to be the first of many great changes by me. After nine beautiful months at ‘George’, I decided to put my talents to better use. I became the chief executive of an international human trafficking firm. Our operations when I started were merely confined to girls in Eastern, non-EU Europe. I expanded our horizons to under fourteens in South-east Asia, including Taiwan and the Phillippines. I gave myself the bonus of treating myself weekly to one of the fortunate girls we turned to a life of prostitution. It would have been more frequent than once a week but her pussy wasn’t dead, so it didn’t interest me as much.

Anyway, times moved on, and I was headhunted by my local clothes factory. After two weeks of intense negotiations, I agreed on a £125,000 pounds poer year contract as an assistant manager. I started a revelation with many sweeping changes. The most radical of these changes was to incorporate the pubes of homeless men, and women who earned over £1200 per week into the fibres used for clothe-making. Our weekly sales increased by 3.1%, and I lined my wallet pocket with a tidy £15,000 bonus. at this particular point in time however, I am discontent with what I have. Things have stagnated, gone stale. I have developed itchy feet, an urgency to up roots and move on. If anyone reading could provide me with such business opportunities, please phone this number:

07595872301. please withold your number and ask for Aynsley. then proceed to ask her for a fan pic. She will understand, my agent has a code. By ‘fan-pic’, she will know you mean business opportunity. Thank-you, Kieran.

Current Mood: Alarmed & Sickly

This is not a beefy blog because I do not speak English. Today as I sat down to do my business education examination I shat myself and piss was dripping out from my dead cats. Also today I have created proclamation and coronation, first you must join MYCARFORUM as it is the best site since sliced bread.com. The coronation that I did today as I became the new queen of Austria.

Blimping to the highest degree – Blimping is so totally awesome that it beats hot air balloon riding while using my laptop to surf my car forum. Recently when I was doing my homework on a blimp,  some African American parabola came up to me naked and offered me a steak bake. And no, not like that Johnny wipe that smirk off your face. Tomorrow I think I may try and get infected with the WINDOWS 32 DELETION VIRUS – Commonly advertised by David McKenna.

Now the information you are all dying to hear, I have an invisible sister called Brenda and she is my new best pal and she hangs around with faggots. She normally wears nothing except a Ferrari jacket and Jesus Sandals.  She looks just like me only invisible and she tastes rather salty. SCREW FLANDERS SCREW FLANDERS.

Thanks for reading about my predicament by BILL STEAK BAKE KIERAN “MY CAR FORUM” KIELY.

Current Mood: Bored & Playful

Farhan Amjad has stopped chasing me, thank God!

Today I realized that there was this thing called the ocean and water, I had never seen such an amazing thing before. Such wonders, such sorcery, such magical powers beyond anyone’s imagination. It felt like I was floating on a cloud made of carbon dioxide mixed with a bit of sulphur dioxide. So I decided I was going to make a submarine as I had already made a rocket before so this couldn’t be that hard. I got some old cardboard boxes and stapled together with a few staples and some blue tack might have been involved as well, I used cling film for the windows and toy racing car wheels for the wheels. I also installed shoe laces as the mode of driving, to break I pulled the green shoe lace and it dropped a stick which was stored in the back of the box. Thank God, these boxes are quite roomy as I would never have got in it.

Rough Idea of my submarine!

To drive I had cut a hole in the bottom of the box and installed bicycle pedals so I could pedal my way through the motorway and to ocean. I drove on the hard shoulder as I didn’t want to disturb traffic with my incessant slow moving vehicle. Once I arrived at the sea front several weeks later, I climbed outside the box and since my legs were cramped the whole time, they had gotten smaller and I no longer had DCS (Dead Cat Syndrome), I pushed the box to the ocean and jumped in and closed the hatch before I started to sink. I then looked through the window made of clingfilm at the marvellous creatures God has left in the ocean like dead fish and 4 eyed octopuses.

I then discovered a terrible problem, water was seeping through the hole where the cycle pedals were and the box was starting to fill with water.

So I had just the plan!
I took the pedals off and made a fan!
I attached this to the back of the box!
Then I started to gather some rocks!
I then started phase 1!
Which was to get the pedals to turn!
So I through rocks at them!
And all of a sudden, a mystery gem!
A emerald struck my head!
Then I used this to power the lead!
So I loaded the flux capacitor!
Then I was stuck no more!

That didn’t rhyme I know I suck, now leave my blog and get to fuck! Only joking, so once I was ashore again, I phoned my aunt Fanny for a lift back to my house and she asked where I have been then I said “Me and my silly adventures”, “Oh you” she replied.

Worse part is, the water shrunk my trousers and now I suffer from DCS again, that means more snorting for me again

Current Mood: Sad

Well guys, girls, aliens, Don, I am sorry for not blogging yesterday. It was wrong of me to leave you all stranded with no hope of survival in the open world and for that you can all call me an inconsiderate arsehole.  The reason behind me not blogging was that I am planning to star in the new old Bonnie Tyler song; “Total eclipse of the heart”. Also I had violent wankers cramp and was unable to sit down on a chair never mind sitting on my brothers lap while posting a blog.

Well I have some good news and some bad news, The good news is that the bad news isn’t that bad. The bad news is that as of this weekend, I am going on a four day trip on a blimp to see the wonders of the open sky so all my blogs will be about blimps. Once we reach 500 visitors and depending if my song is finished I may release the pilot version of this website using the magic of internet telecommunication.

As of other news, today I was eating a packet of crisps and the crisps went on for ages, handful after handful of multiple crisps from the same bag until they were finished and I was crying. Also my art is nearly finished but there is one minor problem, I must soak my finished artwork in vinegar and when vinegar comes in to contact with me I dissociate. That is for another day, so Goodbye, Bonjour, Adios and a happy new year to you to!

Every now and then I fall apart! …. only when vinegar is poured on me

Current Mood: Mischievous

Commander Worf, we have invaded the borg!

As many of you may know, my exams are approaching at a rapid rate and so far I have went through several sachets of Y-Fronts shitting myself about them. The one subject in which I am the most afraid of is Art and not just because I am jealous of Miss Rainys coloured stockings. It’s because I have to draw a big monstrosity of a picture and by monstrosity I mean a picture of me but everytime I look in the mirror, it cracks. Typical. So I came up with the perfect solution, I bought a trusty steed because everyone knows steeds have magical powers. So I put on my horse shoes as usual and went outside with a brand new mirror and a piece of string, I attached the mirror round the steeds neck with the piece of string. Then I looked at the mirror and said “Mirror mirror on my steed, am I likely to succeed?”,  the mirror doesn’t reply. I then look mischievously at the mirror and ask “Mirror mirror who doesn’t answer,  did you know that I’m a dancer?”,  the mirror replies yes. I then decided the steed was not the way to go so I bought a kodak 0.01 megapixel camera to take pictures of myself. This worked out great and due to the low quality it looked as if it was a drawing but it also made me look like a zombie.

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting installment of crap!

Current Mood: Flirtatious

Hello, my peoples.

I being a modest man am very prone to certain illnesses. From the Common Cold to the infectious Herpes. In recent years I have been infected with the most potent of all diseases, the monstrosity known as Salt Cubes. These are large cubes, made of pepper which rest in the nasal passage. It gives me a horrible tingle in my right nostril but my left is rather secure like a bank in Govan. However, this infection has now spread to my lower leg causing my DCS (Or Dead Cat Syndrome) meaning that my trouser leg cannot advance to my foot. This is terrible especially in harsh winter conditions that I may face on one of my forthcoming expeditions. The disease (DCS) is highly infectious so please, stand clear! If you are worried about having this disease here are the symptoms (I’m looking at you Don). Blocked nasal passages, disease ridden left arm, the ability to brainwash apes and being able to spit 100% pure cotton. The disease is very hard to get rid of, it requires a high level of expertise, 2 eggs and some old Christmas cards laced with LSD. Now what you want to do is mix them all in a fishbowl, heat in an easy bake oven for at least 45 minutes or a microwave for up to 10 Months. Then what you want to be doing is crushing them into a power-like state and snorting them. However, I am sad to announce that this treatment is not 100% effective and if done incorrectly it can lead to Farhan Amjad appearing in your dreams every night. So please visit your local Doctor before starting this course of treatment.

That’s all folks.

Current Mood: Alarmed

Dark Earth

Today, I was baffled by the amazing wonders of science. I learned about things which threw about the dimensions of space as we knew it and threw the whole concept out of the window like throwing a baby downstairs when you have post-mortem depression. So after this smashing period of a subject some what similar to physics which I call chemistry, I decided to make my own space shuttle and travel to outer space. I had planned for this since the dawn of time so I pulled out the old ironing board which I use as a sketch pad, my pencils & accessory kit, my knitting needles  and a ball of string. Using these I got to work on my rocket, once I figured out that I had stuck the propellers on the wrong way and I had finished painting my racing stripe, I hopped in the rocket and blew off!

While in outer space, I noticed this strange monstrosity of an object floating by the window (which was made out of cardboard and clingfilm) and I shat a brick literally so I rapidly decelerated and came back down to Earth at an alarming rate. I was then confronted by Don Chailey on my arrival back to Earth and we discussed what I saw out in outer space, he said it was very smart on what I done and I made the right decision.

Infact his exact words where: “By golly! That was a superb strategical move at a critical juncture!”

As I strolled through the park one lazy saturday afternoon I knew there was something odd. I looked left, I looked right, I started at my feet for a number of seconds, then when I finally glanced up, I noticed it. The monstrosity which was looming in front of me was in fact a Englishman. Without warning, I attacked him with my notorious pimp cane. It took several blows to knock him out. But when I finally did it I was so pleased with myself that I began to sing. I sang my favorite song (chama chameleon). But that is when! I was ambushed by the legendary Banana Monster (Named Steve I later found out) he was relentless in his assault he was slapping me with his banana-skin like skin. I was loosing this battle I needed to rapidly retaliate. That is when I came up with my best idea yet. I kicked him in the face and then ate him. Then afterwords slipped on his skin. Finally, I left the park and returned to my conference with an interesting story and some banana slices.

Current Mood: Surprised

Today I awoke early as I heard a noise, a noise so powerful it could blow over a horse. It sounded as if it was coming from under the bed so I put on my nightdress and went for a peek and there I saw it! The biggest monstrosity you had ever seen in your life, it was Don!

So after all that, it was an Achem’s Razor situation where the most simpliest answer is the correct one. I hope you all had a good sleep and remember before you go to bed at night, check to see if Don Chailey is under your bed.

Also this blog has launched.